when is sex done?

sent:

RealityHealthCheck: How do You Tell When Women Are Done With Sex?

reasoning:

at first, it seems like an easy: sex is over when the male ejaculates. that’s certainly the answer the mainstream media subscribes to -> i’m not even referring to porn, but soap operas, ‘adult’ shows, and anything coming-of-age related. this was a discussion DF and i had frequently, and perhaps part of the reason why i’ m still attached to him -> i’ve never been able to have such an honest talk with anyone else.  for him, male ejaculation declaringsex to be over was the biggest fallacy, and we had a very open exchange of pain/pleasure and animalism/human. but the female orgasm is a tricky thing. and the concept that sex ends with orgasm may be even trickier or more complex to articulate.

But often enough in your sex life, you’ll probably find that reaching orgasm once, for you or your partner, doesn’t automatically turn off your or their desire for more sex or other kinds of physical intimacy.

the quest for multiple orgasms seems to be the trophy prize at the end of a sexual conquest, some people think one orgasm: gold medal. multiple orgasms: the stanley cup. but its really to each its own. as Heather Corinna writes, much more eloquently in her post, sex is more than the physical, but about the parties involved verbalizing what each wants: whether they are satisfied or want to continue for more. maybe the intensity of the first is all you need, or maybe the push for multiple orgasms is for the sole pleasure of one partner. this, of course, can get convoluted by the faking of orgasms, you only have to watch When Harry Met Sally to see how easy it is.

Sometimes, we just aren’t connecting enough physically or emotionally to continue with sex, we get distracted and lose the mood, or just aren’t feeling well or energetic, even if we really wanted to be sexual at first.

i’ve been trying to separate the emotional from the physical in sex b/c i’ve been on the receiving end of ‘no emotional attachment’ so many times, as much as i know i’m setting myself up for pain and failure, i’m determined to be the person who seeks sex out for personal physical pleasure (the 3 P’s!). what i’ve written above about the importance of connecting during sex isn’t contrary to my mission but rather demonstrates why i’ve been having a hard time making it happen. maybe i watch too many romantic comedies and/or maybe i haven’t slept around enough. drunken hookups are a whole other bag. i don’t expect romantic, long relationships from sleeping with someone, i think my fault is i want at least a friendship. we’ve shared this intimate moment, and no matter how raw or animalistic it was, at the end, we’re still human so let’s at least acknowledge what happened. i ’m the girl who still expects a phone call the next day. 

 

yes means yes: visions of female sexual power & a world without rape

recipient:

National Geographic Society/ PO Box 64112/ Tampa, FL 3366-4112

sent:

Google Books preview of Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape

reasoning:

tonight in the crowded backroom of busboys & poets on 14th & U, the editors and several contributors for the new book yes means yes: visions of female sexual power & a world without rape read excerpts of their new work. Miriam Zoila Perez of Radical Doula read from her “When Sexual Autonomy Isn’t Enough:SexualViolence Against Immigrant Women in the United States”.  Latoya Peterson of Racialicious read “The Not-Rape Epidemic”. and among others, Jaclyn Friedman “In Defense of Going Wild or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Pleasure (and How You Can, Too). it was inspiring to hear from writers so coherently and intelligently talk about this powerful conception of rape culture. there’s so many intersecting points of gender, race, sexuality, media, and class that have created this complex culture.  particularly thought-provoking was Miriam Perez’s piece that for immigrant women crossing the border, rape is almost an accepted part of their reality (their price of admission to pay the smugglers). after listening to their readings, i was convinced that a rape culture does exist. it’s a serious crime, and treated as so, but then on the other side, it’s also blamed on the victim, there’s the conception that it only happens to women, and that it’s something that will always exist. these women all talked about getting rid of the culture of rape – not just the action of it but the connotations and dangers surrounding it. this has moved up to the top of my ‘must-buy’ book list once i have the funds to do so.

a gay penguin family

recipient:

The Wall Street Journal/ Attention: Manager of Subscriber Service/ PO Box 7023/ Chicopee, MA 01021-9902

sent:

Yahoo! Australia article: Gay penguins given own eggs to care for

reasoning:

humans aren’t the only ones who practice homosexuality. studies of the bonobo chimpanzees show they use a “make love, not war” philosophy and engage in all sorts of sexual activity when initially greeting each other or to solve conflicts – wet kissing, masturbation, oral sex, female/female and male/male couplings, group activities – behaviors that would turn our human world upside down if we decidedly took a similar approach to resolving our problems.

now here’s a story from China about 2 gay male penguins who were so desperate for a family of their own, and couldn’t apply at their local penguin baby adoption agency (ha!) that they decided to start stealing eggs from straight couples. the story of gay male penguins wanting to be father is apparently nothing new ->  Tango Makes Three, a children’s book about 2 male penguins who carry a rock back to their nest, and when that fails to hatch, they are given an egg by the zookeepers to care for, and roy, silo, and tango become an adored family at the central park zoo. that the China zoo is considering using artificial insemination to let the couple become biological parents soon, and Despite being gay, it is understood the three-year-old male birds are still driven by an urge to be fathers. interesting that the biological pull of these penguins to become fathers is understood and respected by the keepers who care for them.  i can already hear the arguments against  – they are animals who have no conception of sexuality, and parenthood. hell even as ‘enlightened human beings’, we barely have a conception of these identities we can all agree on. this is a sweet and hopeful story, perhaps we should be looking to the animals for answers to our own conflicts.

a new second class citizen

recipient:

US Weekly/ PO Box 8252/ Red Oak, IA 51591-3252

sent:

John Sherrfius editorial cartoon in Daily Camera, Boulder, Colorado

reasoning:

even with last tuesday’s victory, i guess it’d be just too good if we got it all: President Obama, and a No on Prop 8. outside of the group that believes homosexuality is wrong on a religious basis, most Americans are generally approving or accepting of gay people. perhaps only in a “whatever you do inside the confines of your home is your business…” because somehow when wanting the rights that everyone else as, as a citizen, as a human being, people get all up-in-arms about it, saying “no no no, the constitution says marriage is between a man and a woman”. many people don’t want to redefine ‘marriage’, but during the slave era, the marriage between a black man and a black woman wasn’t recognized, 50 years ago, some states wouldn’t allow a black man and a white woman to marry (ex: barack obama’s parents – and look where he is now….) the constitution isn’t the end all, be all since 1787, the concept of marriage has been redefined and broadened many times over. it needs to be again. The fight continues.

Ellen & Portia get married

recipient:

dwell/PO Box 5103/ Harlan, IA 51593-2603

sent:

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi wedding portrait

reasoning:

Congratulations to Ellen and Portia on getting married over the weekend. last night, i opened my email to receive 2 emails from Ellen (yeah, i’m subscribed to her show mailing list) with the subject title: Just Married. in the email, she talks about how she now only write in fancy schmancy fonts b/c she gotmarried and now says “I do” to everything: a pilates work-out, an offer of Mountain Dew, or why she got pulled over. 

the official wedding portrait is beautiful, and the couple is on the cover of People magazine looking so incredibly happy and gorgeous in white. the thousands of comments are usually ones of total support and best wishes, but reading the forums, there is still great hostility and opposition to a lesbian marriage. some were downright hateful and misogynistic about threesomes where a guy would be serviced by both of them, that ellen could never possibly be enough for portia, that this isn’t real, etc etc. and then there were some that were prefaced by “while i don’t support gay marriage… they look beautiful, i wish them luck”. some people aren’t fully on board yet, and some people are “love is love”. it’s one of our last major social battles or frontiers, but almost no one who commented could deny how perfect and well these two seem to fit together, regardless of gender and sexuality. i’m always in wonder when people take those steps to really commit themselves to each other, for all that that involves. it’s hard not to become swept up in the happiness and romance of Ellen and Portia, they look stunning. brava and love to the beautiful couple.

the science of racism

recipient:

University of Massachusetts Lowell/ Office of University Advancement/ Southwick Hall 250/ One University Avenue/ Lowell, Massachusetts 01854-2882

sent:

The Science of Racism Root article: interview with Dr. James Watson, the father of DNA, by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. editor.

reasoning:

Dr. Watson, half of the team that helped to uncover the DNA helix model, has been regarded as the father of modern genetics, so his recent remarks there’s such a thing as Jewish intelligence, or that a reason why there is a disproportionate amount of black basketball players may be gene related. this interview with Henry Louis Gates, Jr. a Harvard professor who studies race discourse in the West, is interesting because it doesn’t just dismiss Dr. Watson as an old-fashioned, codgy elite White racist. as he’s the “father of genetics”, he’s been called upon to make comments about our most complex, and puzzling social issues: homosexuality, obesity, race, and race in relation to sexuality.

what was most interesting to me was Louis Gates, Jr does not consider Dr. Watson a “racist”, but more of a “racialist”. he does believe there is some key to genetics’ ties of race and human characteristics like intelligence, athletic ability, or demeanor. the distinction may come from a “racist” simply buying into long-time stereotypes from media and history of racial inferiority and superiority. certainly the argument can be made that there may be a truth, or a genetic basis for why those stereotypes exist, so how is Dr. Watson not just an academically, and scientifically intelligent racist?

first attempt

recipient:

Creative Home Arts Club/New Member Processing Center/P.O. Box 3449/Hopkins, MN 55343-4711

sent:

description of I.D. Tags exhibition at Smith College Museum of Art

”ID Tags is an ongoing series of supplemental labels for select works on view at the Smith College Museum of Art. The project aims to consider the artworks in terms of aspects of culture that forms one’s identity, such as race, gender, sexuality, and economic status. The project brought a group of Smith faculty members, museum staff, and students together to select, discuss, and write about artworks in the collection taking race as a thematic focal point. In counterpoint to the anonymous authority of the traditional museum label, ID Tags are transparently rooted in the personal knowledge and experience of the writers who are identified in the labels as well. it is our hope that such reflections will give voice to members of the museum’s community and will enhance viewers’ experience through their consideration of how art can relate to our current understanding of our cultures and ourselves.”

Tattered and Torn, 1886, Alfred Kappes

works of art include:

• Pretty Penny, 1939, Edward Hopper, Tagwriter: Nicole Roylance, Smith College Museum of Art.
• Freedom: A Fable by Kara Elizabeth Walker, 1997, Kara Elizabeth Walker, Tagwriter: Elizabeth Willis Smith ‘08.
• Andrew Faneuil Phillips (1729-1775), 1755, Joseph Blackburn, Tagwriter: Sophia LaCava-Bohanan Smith ‘08.
• Mrs. John Erving (Abigail Phillips, 1702-1759), c. 1733, John Smibert, Tagwriter: Sophia LaCava-Bohanan Smith ‘08.
• The Honourable John Erving (1693-1786), c. 1772, John Singleton Copley, Tagwriter: Sophia LaCava-Bohanan Smith ‘08.
• Dr. William Samuel Johnson, 1761, Thomas McIlworth, Tagwriter: Sophia LaCava-Bohanan Smith ‘08.
• Tattered and Torn, 1886, Alfred Kappes, Tagwriter: Daphne LaMothe, Smith Afro-American Studies.
• Tattered and Torn, 1886, Alfred Kappes, Tagwriter: Floyd Cheung, Smith English and American Studies.
• The May Queen, 1875, Daniel Chester French, Tagwriter: Malaika Brooks-Smith-Lowe Smith ‘08.
• Recolte des Oranges a Capri, 1868, Edouard Alexandre Sain, Tagwriter: Daphne LaMothe, Smith Afro-American Studies.
• Bust of a Chinese Man (Le Chinois), 1872-1874, Jean Baptiste Carpeaux, Tagwriter: Ann Musser, Smith College Museum of Art.

reasoning:

People in Minnesota should know about what’s going on in the Smith College Museum of Art, plus bringing accountability and the recognition of bias to a seemingly neutral piece of writing is a reminder that however factual, there’s always a partiality to written work. A hard lesson that I learned the winter of my first year in college, when social critic and activist Keith Snow illustrated the ties The New York Times had with other sketchier conglomerates like Exxon, and Victoria’s Secret.